Head spins

Some days are better, others worse. The last few days I've had a hard time imagining me creating a good enough book on the paranormal. I don't know where I stand in terms of my own beliefs, and it's becoming very new agey unfortunately. I guess that's what happens when you're raised in one culture and it's flawed belief system clashes with another, a lot less dysfunctional one.

The problem arises, I suppose, when you can't swallow the whole bait. The thousands of years old roots of a belief system is bound to be diluted for sure, so on a rational level it's always easy to reject it. But to only partly reject it is to go halfway to new age. If you like me, reject parts of the core foundation, it's no longer halfway.

So I believe in dualism. That's fine according to abrahamic tradition. I am certain there is reincarnation, in accordance with eastern faith. Bible and burning bush however makes my brain turn to mush. I won't believe it for a minute unless the Spanish Inquisition comes knocking.

But the hard question for me is whether or not I am my mind and my thoughts. Sure, to some degree I am, as much as I am my body, but gurus who have honed their skills for most part of a lifetime will tell you that you emphasize your thoughts too much. We are not our minds, as little as we are our bodies.

The eastern target is to reach moksha/nirvana, which may well be the (partial?) releasing of the mind. I get that the alternative can be a suffering (in fact I'm feeling part of that right now), but the fact is I don't want to part with it. "Becoming old isn't so bad, considering the alternative." That applies to both the physical and metaphysical level.

Quite possibly there is some type of freedom of choice, and at some point in time we all have to take a leap of faith. I need to dig deeper. For the first time in my life I feel like I might not like what I'll find and I'm scared of what knowledge I will acquire.